bitter

I'm finding myself to be a bit bitter right now, and I don't like it.  I'm seeing more and more ladies announcing their pregnancies, and all are due around the same time I would have been due.  Thankfully, these have all been online ladies, so it's not so bad.  But it still makes me bitter.  I should really be happy for these women, some of them have dealt with a loss like I have, and because of that I feel like an even bigger asshole for being bitter.  Ugh I hate myself right now.  To top it off, it looks like my body is acting like nothing happened and I'm fertile or starting to be fertile again.  Now I'm wondering if I should take the risk or just let this time frame go by.

chemical according to the doctor

That's what he's calling it.  A chemical pregnancy.  And depending on where you search you get different responses.  Some sites state that the egg never got the chance to implant, others state that it's just labeled chemical because it happens right around or before the 5 week mark, with nothing visible to prove pregnancy.  Maybe I would buy that if I had not seen the corpus cyst.  Yes, we saw nothing else.  But if that's the case, then why is my uterus still enlarged and did I have pg symptoms? Chemicals aren't suppose to give you pg symptoms, but I had them.  Ahhh who the hell knows anymore.  All I know is that I'm grieving a loss of what could have been, I'm still bleeding, thankfully down to a spotting but still, 11 days later.  And I feel like fucking crap physically and emotionally.  I feel like a shell of myself right now.

he's leaving it in my hands...

and I appreciate that.  I know I said my journey was over.  Maybe it is for now.  As of now I'm on the fence about the whole thing.  I'm scared to go through this again, but at the same time I would love another baby in the family.  I'm just thankful that he is fine with whatever choice I want to make.  He doesn't want to see me upset like this again, if we were to experience this again.  But if I want to continue to try, then we can.  Just knowing that he wants whatever I want, is a huge comfort.  It gives me that bit of courage to move on and think about trying this again.  I will never forget what we've lost.  But I don't know if I'm ready to shut the door at the prospect of more.  Maybe the way to handle it is just let things be.  Keep track of my cycles, just so that I know when I should be due.  But going all gun ho with temping and using opks...that I'm not ready for.  This will truly be a not trying but not preventing frame of mind for me.  

inspirational and soothing

It's the small things that get me through the day, and this was one of them.  Thank you to LittleMomma09 of JM for creating this.

cruel cruel body

Just when I thought the worst was over, my body decides it's going to be cruel to me and pick up all over again.  Now, I'm sitting here with sore breast, cramps and more bleeding.  YAY ME! This fucking sucks balls.

Bye Bye my sweet Roo

I'm a hot mess right now.  Roo didn't stick and has grew wings.  My beta went down to 8.  My heart is breaking right now.  I don't know how other women have done this multiple time and continue to try.  I can't do this again.  I believe my journey is over.

hard to hold on to hope

It's really hard to hold on to hope when my own doctor isn't optimistic at all.  He says with the numbers being so low and the amount of blood, he would normally tell his patients to forget about this pregnancy.  However, those words bit him on the ass once, so he no longer says it.  I do appreciate his honesty though, even if it hurts.  I have paperwork for a repeat beta this afternoon and a script for progesterone.  Depending on if the numbers go up or down, depends on if I fill the script or not.  I also have a follow up with him on Monday.  I would have much rather not conceived at all than to go through this painful mind fuck.