we have a heart beat

Got to see Rayne again today.  The baby is doing very well and only measured 2 days behind this time.  Again, not something I'm going to worry about.  Rayne's heart was beating at 143BPM. I'm so happy that everything is going the way it should.

waste of time

That's what I felt like yesterdays appointment was, a waste of my time.  I was running late but only by 15 mins.  By the time I got seen the lab had closed so I didn't get a beta.  I did get a form to have it done.  So I can go during my lunch today, if I feel like traveling a bit.  Not sure if I do.  I might wait till tomorrow.  I also got a script for another ultrasound.  This time I made sure he was clear with instructions.  He also gave me my script for more progesterone with refills to fill later this month.  I have to take those until I hit 12 weeks.  He didn't really look me over, just took my weight, BP and talked for a moment.  He wants me back in 2 weeks and I have to have the ultrasound done before then.  Oh and to top it off they didn't even have the results of the ultrasound I took on Friday.  I told him what we saw, but he needs detailed reports.  Ughhh what a waste!

there is a baby in there...

OK first of holy shit this morning was crazy stressful.  My OB is great, but he lack communication skills.  So it was hell trying to get seen because his instructions, yet again, were not clear.  After an hour of going back and forth we got it all straighten out and I got seen.  I got to see my Rayne and things looks just fine.  Rayne implanted in the uterus as "she" should.  The only down side is that we didn't get a chance to see a heart beat.  But that's because I measured 3 days behind.  I should be 5 weeks 6 days, but I only measured at 5 weeks 3 days.  Three days is no big deal so I'm not even concerned.  We got to see the gestational sac, yolk sac and fetal pole.  That put me at ease like you don't believe.  The doctor there likes to oversee everything once it's all done and he said it all looked good.  His only recommendation is to follow up in 2 weeks with another ultrasound to see a heart beat. 


My OB should have the results today, and I follow up with him on Monday.  He wants to do another blood draw then and I should have numbers again on Wed.  I'll talk to him about a follow up ultrasound.  I wouldn't mind another one.  Especially before year end and my new years insurance deductible kicks in.   Are you ready to meet Rayne?  I can't wait to meet Rayne in August, but for now pictures will have to do.

Rayne

anxiety has kicked in

So tomorrow is the big ultrasound day.  I've been fine and dandy about this pregnancy this entire time.  But now I'm afraid that something is going to be wrong tomorrow.  That they're not going to see anything and that the only thing causing my early pg symptoms as well as keeping af at bay, is the progesterone I'm taking.  I know I shouldn't worry.  I know deep down that things will be just fine.  But geesh this anxiety is kicking in hard and scaring the shit out of me.  Oh please let things be OK and let me see my baby developing the way she (wishful thinking) should be.

stupid headache

Oh how I wish it would go away already.  I can't stand having headaches, especially when I can't take shit for it.

holy bloat batman!

Damn I'm bloated like a mofo right now!  I feel so much further along than I actually am.  The funny thing is that even though I know it's bloat and fat, I can't help but rub and love it. 

5 weeks 2 days

5 weeks today

I made it 5 weeks.  That's longer than I made it with Roo.  I'm glad I've met two of my 3 small goals. My next goal is to either see or hear the heartbeat.  Once that happens, I'll truly be at ease knowing I've met my small goals.  It's finally sinking in that this one appears to be sticking.  I'm so thrilled to know I've made it to this point so far.  

On the 9th I have my first ultrasound, hopefully I'll be able to see a heartbeat since I would be 5 weeks 6 days.  I know it be a long shot, but not completely unthinkable.  Oh and because I'm freaking neurotic, I had to POAS today.  Just to see how it would look at 20DPO.  And I must say damn that's a lovely dark ass line.  It's darker than the control.  I swear I will no longer test.  I just got a bug up my ass that I couldn't resist.  My remaining tests, OPKs included, will be going to a dear friend.  I'll ship them to her on Monday and I hope they will bring her the best of luck.

5 weeks 20DPO

Progression

 Soon to come, my first belly shot...

151 BABY!!!!!!!!!!!

YES!!!!! My beta came back at 151 for 15DPO.  I'm so thrilled right now it's not even funny.  At this very time last pregnancy, I was only at 36.5.  So this is a huge difference.  My progesterone was lower than last time, only 12.8 verses 16.5, but I'm on progesterone pills so I'll be just fine.  TSH and prolactin were within normal range.  I'm on cloud nine and I know now for sure this sticky bun is here to stick.

convinced my fmu sucks!

Yup, that's right, my FMU sucks balls.  For some reason I get better lines when I test with SMU or later.  Take today's test for example.  My FMU was lighter than yesterdays third MU and it was lighter than the test I just re took at 9PM.  No wonder I was freaking myself out all weekend long.  DOH!  However, with that lovely dark line, I believe I can say I'm officially done testing.  I will get my beta, progesterone, tsh and prolactin tomorrow morning.  I'm sure the numbers are going to be good, but I want them to be awesome.  I'm a bit nervous with my progesterone, but that's what the supplements are for.   


So it looks and feels like, I have a nice sticky bun in my oven.  Now just bake and grow little bun, bake and grow.  Mami, Daddy and your siblings want to meet you next summer. 

16dpo FMU on top and 9PM under

Progression (YES! I'm obsessed, but wouldn't you be after a loss?)

now this is what I call a line and docs appointment

So I had my visit with my OB today.  He did a blood draw and ordered to have my beta, progesterone, TSH and prolactin levels checked.  I should be able to get those results by Wed.  I just have to call the nurse.  The one thing he didn't do was give me a slip for a repeat beta.  He said with all the extra precaution we're taking, if the numbers aren't rising properly, there was nothing more that we could do.  He also adjusted my progesterone script.  I have to take a 100mg pill twice a day.  I also stocked up on prenatals, extra folic acid and baby aspirin.  I'm going to keep this sticky bun sticky if it's the last thing I do! 

He also gave me a script for an ultrasound to do next week after I hit 5 weeks on Saturday. I'll probably schedule it as late in the week as possible, probably Friday.  It's going to be hard because of school, work, and little mans birthday, but I'll get it done.  From there I follow up with him on the 12th, and that's when he's going to do another blood draw.  I'll also probably see him two weeks after that so I can get more progesterone if needed. 

I finally got my hands on my ICs this morning.  So of course I had to test since this mornings dollar store test wasn't good enough for me with FMU...and I got a fucking awesome line at 10AM with like 3rd mornings urine.  Now, I don't know if my FMU sucks or if it was the dollar store tests that suck.  Maybe I could have avoided the worry if I had gotten my hands on the ICs on Wed. when they were delivered after I left work. 

Picture time!!!!!

15/16 DPO lovely lovely line

Progression (including this morning FMU)

I might still test a bit more but I'm not going to go crazy about it.  I feel pretty good about this sticky bun.

still nervous

Temp went down, again, today to 98.26 and my test with FMU was not darker.  After some serious comparing it's still darker than anything from last month.  But I'm still scared.  I was hoping to see a darker line.  I know I should stop temping and testing, but I took that route last time and it still ended in loss.  I figure what have I got to lose this time around?  But I might end up stressing myself out more than I need to be stressed out.  Ughhh  I just hope that tomorrows appointment results in nice high beta numbers.

So without further ado...today's test

 Progression

still testing...

and I'm going to continue testing until I see a line as dark as the control line and/or I get really good beta numbers.

Dollar store test taken midday after holding my urine for only 45 mins.  Still darker than last time.

Progession

in disbelief

OMG I don't f'n believe it...

Stick baby STICK!!!!!

pretty sure I'm out

Major temp drop this morning, 97.92 from 98.62.  I have some cramping going on.  I'm sure the witch is knocking on my Thanksgiving door.  Well, I guess this is done and I'm out of the running this cycle and probably indefinitely.  Happy Fucking Thanksgiving! I'm about ready to stay in bed all day and say screw all the stress makers in my life, including the damn out-laws I'm supposed to be spending time with.  I haven't spent a Thanksgiving with my own family in years and I'm starting to get resentful.

the gods are against me

So the ICs I was waiting on...didn't show up at my office till 4PM, a whole hour after my office was closed.  I even left the office at 3:15, so I tried to wait it out but I wanted to get my script for progesterone.  Well, wouldn't you fucking know it, I couldn't get the damn script filled.  My OB forgot to put instructions on how to use it, and didn't call back the pharmacist back, so they couldn't fill it.  FUCKING SHIT!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY IS IT ALL AGAINST ME RIGHT NOW!!!  FUCKING BITCH!


Ok I feel better now.


I only have the one IC left, so now I'm really not sure if I want to waste the test or not. Dayum!!!  I guess I'll just wait and see what the morning brings.  If temps are still high, it might be worth the test.  I can see if a dollar store is open tomorrow.  If not, then I guess I can try and go to my office on Friday to get them, I do have to go into the City anyway this weekend.  Why not hit the art museum while everyone else is shopping?

scared and nervous

OK so I put in the script for the progesterone just in case...I'm due for AF tomorrow or by Monday the latest.  If I go off of my normal 27 day cycle, tomorrow is due day.  However, if I follow my LP length, then I'm not due until Sunday, possibly Monday.  I'm sure I O'd around CD 15 or 16, possibly 14, but I wasn't temping so I'm not sure.  So now the question becomes, do I test or do I wait???? 

A part of me wants to wait cause I'm scare it's going to be another "chemical."  But another part of me wants to test because if it's positive, then I want to start the progesterone asap and get a beta done on Monday.  Oy vey! This is so confusing and frustrating.  


My temps are still pretty high, but again, if I go by DPO date, they're in the normal range.  If I go by CD then they're still high and I normally drop by now.  See my dilemma? :(

tired

That's how I feel. Just plain old tired.  I'm ready to take a nap right now.  If only I could.  But nope today is a long day, work followed  by two classes.  I won't be home till about 9PM.  YAY ME!!!!

flip flop flip flop back peddle

That's all I'm getting lately.  If it's not one thing it's another.  I must be married to a sandal, a bike peddle or something else all together.  Either that or my recent cold shoulder has put him back into the telling me what he thinks I want to hear stage.  UGH!  I think people forget what they say and that their words tend to stick in the minds of the receivers.   You cannot tell me one thing, don't like the way I treat you because of your words, then proceed to back peddle over what you said just days ago.  

1. I'm not stupid.  
2. My memory isn't that faulty.  
3. I actually pay attention to the words that come out of the the mouths of people.  
4. I don't only hear what I want to hear.

Remember actions speak louder than words, and your actions need to be on the same page as your words.  Not conflicting with them instead.  If you could manage to keep the two on the same line, confusion and frustration would not be setting in.  I wouldn't be pissed off and hurt.  I could learn to live with things and move on.  Until that is done, I will continue to be one pissed off bitch until I can make sense of it all in my own head on my own time.

still very angry and hurt

And to think this is all because of a very near and dear loved one.  I'm feeling like this has reached a make it or break it moment, with break it winning out so far.  I need time to gather my thoughts and get over the anger before I do something I might regret.

men

Suck! The END!  I hate you right now you fucking suck for fucking with my emotions.  Fuck you you fucking fuck!  Go to fucking hell!

trying not to think about it

That's my approach until after Thanksgiving.  Not thinking about how many days post ovulation I could be.  What possible pregnancy symptoms I might be experiencing.  How early could I possibly test without getting a false result... Now I just hope I can stick to that mind set.  Truth be told, I'm afraid to test, I'm afraid to become pregnant to only possibly lose my baby again.  I'm just flat out afraid.  

To top it off I have people telling me things when they know fuck all of what I've just gone through.  The best was when I was told what do I have to be stressed about?! Really?  Did you just ask me that question?  Then proceed to tell me that I have a man in the house that helps... WTF?!  

Let's see you stupid ass bitch what could I possibly be doing that can stress me out. How about we start off with the fact that I just fucking lost my very wanted baby, unlike the one you "miscarried"  not one but two babies.  Then lets proceed to the fact that I work full time in a small law firm, so I'm wearing multiple hats during the day.  Then lets go to the fact that I'm a student, not a part time student but a 3/4 time student working her way to a full time student.  Oh and of course how could I forget the most important one, I'm a MOTHER!!!! Which means I have children to look after.  

Ughh the nerve of some people just kills me.  That sad part is that this is coming from FAMILY! Then this same family member thinks my husband and myself are the family bank or loan sharks because they just asked us for a $200 loan till they get a check they're due next week.  Oy vey!
 
So yeah, I got nothing to be stressed over.  I should just put on a fucking smile and start singing in the rain with the other blissfully ignorant fools.

doctors update

Good news is that all hcg is out my system.  Bad news, he wants me to wait a cycle or two before trying again.  I told him that I didn't want to wait and this cycle is already out of question.  He said that I should have at least one normal cycle before trying.  So I guess if this weekend didn't do the trick, I'll skip the month of December and start fresh in the new year. 

We also came up with plan of action.  If I do miss my period this month, I'm to start the progesterone he gave me.  And see him sooner than my 3 week follow up.  If not, then I should go on to at least one normal cycle where we don't TTC.  Then I am to start clomid, if I want to, on CD5.  I'm on the fence with this one.  But he thinks it could be the quality of my eggs since I'm getting older.  He made no promises or guarantees, but said it can't hurt to try.  He also gave me lab work to get more blood drawn.  He wants me to test for prolactin, tsh, anti lupus, anti cardiolipn, protein c, ana, toxoplasma, rpr and cmv.  I'm curious about all the lab work.  I want to know where I stand in all those areas. 

I'm not so keen on clomid.  Progesterone, I have no problem with, especially since I lost Roo.  I'll do whatever it takes not to lose another one.  I also stopped all my meds, I was only down to nasonex and rescue inhaler when needed, but now I'm going to stop the nasonex too.  That could have played a factor in my recent loss, being that it's a category c drug.  I asked if my endo could have played a part, and he said it's rare that endo causes miscarriages.  So he truly thinks it's the quality of my eggs.  Ughhh and Kev isn't too keen on going with medical intervention, neither am I.  But I want a baby.

getting back on the horse

So after mulling it over for two weeks, I've decided to jump right back on the proverbial horse.  I have another follow up with my OB today so I'll talk to him about it all.  I also used some OPKs this weekend since it seemed like my body was preparing to ovulate, I wanted to see if I knew my body, and sure enough I do.  However, I got 3 positive OPKs in a row followed by a negative one on the evening of the third day.  I also did a temp test just to see, and I did spike from yesterday to today.  Not a lot, but enough for me to know that it was post o and past o temps in the past two days.  


Since Kev left it in my hands, our first run at intercourse this weekend, we did use the withdrawal method, so that one doesn't count.  However, I did get very emotional and realized that I wasn't ready to give up my dreams of another baby.  So the following morning I let him know that I'm ready to keep on going and we jumped right back into no birth control.  I know in my heart this is the right decision.  Now I just hope that the next baby will be a sticky rainbow baby.  I should know by Thanksgiving if this weekend did anything or not.  


So on to another cycle and another two week wait...

Since I love pictures here are from the weekend

 cd 14 on top at about 9:30 ish PM cd 15 @ 6PM

cd 16 @ 1PM 

 Progression of the three

blurry cell phone pic later on with all test dry

I didn't take a pic of the negative, didn't feel the need to.  But I did take a pic of my new cut and color...

the insensitivity of people kill me

You know you would think that someone who knows my recent mishap would be more careful with their choice in words.  But nope, that's too much to ask for.  Instead I get an open mouth and insert foot moment with me being on the receiving end.  Really nice!  Then I have stress beyond stress at work.  I swear I'm so ready to just say take this job and shove it, it's not even fucking funny.  I have day dreams of learning to use a sling shot like a pro and shoot a mother fucker right between the eyes.  This is not healthy for me.  Between my stress and emotional instability, I can easily spiral into a depression or a violent rage.  Neither of which are good for my mental state.  


Oh and of course I'm having nightmares too.  My dreams are starting out fine, but then I get hit with something horrible.  Like the one I woke up from today.  It started off like a normal run of the mill dream which quickly went wrong.  I ended up getting molested with no one believing me and this son of a bitch man who was someone family tried to say that I do this often.  Needless to say, he was the one I ended up killing.  Oh and then I also get told in the very same dream that a friend of mine lost her baby.  I was so thankful that my alarm went off when it did.  Ughh can I fast forward the day?

bitter

I'm finding myself to be a bit bitter right now, and I don't like it.  I'm seeing more and more ladies announcing their pregnancies, and all are due around the same time I would have been due.  Thankfully, these have all been online ladies, so it's not so bad.  But it still makes me bitter.  I should really be happy for these women, some of them have dealt with a loss like I have, and because of that I feel like an even bigger asshole for being bitter.  Ugh I hate myself right now.  To top it off, it looks like my body is acting like nothing happened and I'm fertile or starting to be fertile again.  Now I'm wondering if I should take the risk or just let this time frame go by.

chemical according to the doctor

That's what he's calling it.  A chemical pregnancy.  And depending on where you search you get different responses.  Some sites state that the egg never got the chance to implant, others state that it's just labeled chemical because it happens right around or before the 5 week mark, with nothing visible to prove pregnancy.  Maybe I would buy that if I had not seen the corpus cyst.  Yes, we saw nothing else.  But if that's the case, then why is my uterus still enlarged and did I have pg symptoms? Chemicals aren't suppose to give you pg symptoms, but I had them.  Ahhh who the hell knows anymore.  All I know is that I'm grieving a loss of what could have been, I'm still bleeding, thankfully down to a spotting but still, 11 days later.  And I feel like fucking crap physically and emotionally.  I feel like a shell of myself right now.

he's leaving it in my hands...

and I appreciate that.  I know I said my journey was over.  Maybe it is for now.  As of now I'm on the fence about the whole thing.  I'm scared to go through this again, but at the same time I would love another baby in the family.  I'm just thankful that he is fine with whatever choice I want to make.  He doesn't want to see me upset like this again, if we were to experience this again.  But if I want to continue to try, then we can.  Just knowing that he wants whatever I want, is a huge comfort.  It gives me that bit of courage to move on and think about trying this again.  I will never forget what we've lost.  But I don't know if I'm ready to shut the door at the prospect of more.  Maybe the way to handle it is just let things be.  Keep track of my cycles, just so that I know when I should be due.  But going all gun ho with temping and using opks...that I'm not ready for.  This will truly be a not trying but not preventing frame of mind for me.  

inspirational and soothing

It's the small things that get me through the day, and this was one of them.  Thank you to LittleMomma09 of JM for creating this.

cruel cruel body

Just when I thought the worst was over, my body decides it's going to be cruel to me and pick up all over again.  Now, I'm sitting here with sore breast, cramps and more bleeding.  YAY ME! This fucking sucks balls.

Bye Bye my sweet Roo

I'm a hot mess right now.  Roo didn't stick and has grew wings.  My beta went down to 8.  My heart is breaking right now.  I don't know how other women have done this multiple time and continue to try.  I can't do this again.  I believe my journey is over.

hard to hold on to hope

It's really hard to hold on to hope when my own doctor isn't optimistic at all.  He says with the numbers being so low and the amount of blood, he would normally tell his patients to forget about this pregnancy.  However, those words bit him on the ass once, so he no longer says it.  I do appreciate his honesty though, even if it hurts.  I have paperwork for a repeat beta this afternoon and a script for progesterone.  Depending on if the numbers go up or down, depends on if I fill the script or not.  I also have a follow up with him on Monday.  I would have much rather not conceived at all than to go through this painful mind fuck.

Low Beta

After hours in the ER I'm looking at a threatened miscarriage.  Beta levels are only at 36.5, and that's too low for 5 weeks.  I need to do a repeat beta and see if they're going up or down.  This sucks.  Looks like my firecracker lost it's spark.

So scared right now

I started bleeding about an hour ago.  It's not terribly heavy but I'm cramping, kinda like period cramps.  It started off as bright red going towards a pinkish/brownish color. Some small particles but no big clots.  I'm really scared right now.  I can't lose this baby.  This baby means so much to me right now.  I just can't lose it.  I've only known for a week.  This is so cruel.  I'm praying this is just like it was with Tiana, but I was already 8 weeks along when I bled with her.  I don't remember if I cramped or not. I just remember waking up bleeding.  I bled for 5 days with her.  Please please please please stick little baby Roo.  Mommy wants to meet you in July.  You're supposed to be our firecracker and 10th anniversary baby.  Please don't go away.

4 weeks 4 days

So I decided that every Saturday I'm going to take a picture of the belly and measure it.  Today's measurement was 39.5 inches.  I know it's only bloat and fat but I feel like I'm popping out already.  Let me show you and you tell me what you think.

4weeks 3 days in according to the tickers

So it's officially been a week since got that faintest of lines on that wonderful pee stick. lol  On Monday I go in to see my OB/GYN for my follow up from my 21 day 7DPO progesterone draw.  I will get to tell them that I'm officially late for my period and have gotten multiple positive tests.  I've been having some morning sickness this week, but today was the worst.  Thankfully, it subsided right after I um you know... up chucked.  This is the first time I've experienced morning sickness like this.  Normally I just get nausea that has been aggravated by something I ate.  I feel like I'm starting to pop out already. I know it's just bloat and belly fat, but it's starting to get hard.  I'll probably show quickly with this one.  I should start taking pictures to show the progression.  I'll take one tomorrow, 1 week after the FRER positive.  In the mean time I did have someone make me the cutest themed picture for me to post.  You know how I love to post pics so here it is.

best picture ever so far...

firecracker baby on board

WE DID IT! Today I got a better line with both the wondfo and FRER HPTs.  I'm so thrilled right now.  We are due around July 2, 2012.  Just in time to celebrate the fourth of July and our 3rd wedding but 10 years total anniversary.  I was so nervous this morning when I took my temp cause it dropped from 98.54 to 98.18.  I was completely expected to get a bfn and ready to chalk yesterdays faint positives to evap lines. Well, without further ado I shall present you with pictures.

12DPO wondfo internet cheapies top is FMU bottom is SMU

Progression with wondfo

 Progression including the FRER

I really need to step away from the pee sticks

They're going to be the death of.  I had what I thought was a squinter this morning but when I backed it up with a FRER and a EPT digital, bfns.  So now I just continue waiting.  AF is due anywhere between Sunday - Monday, maybe Tuesday or Wednesday, but that's stretching it and I would officially be late if nothing on Monday.  My temps are still high and they normally begin to drop around now, CD25, but not dropping yet.  SO that's a good thing, I guess.  I believe I'm 11DPO but could possibly be anywhere between 9-11 DPO.  And if I'm 9 that's why AF would show "late" since I O'd up to 4 days later than normal for me.

Picture time, no point in posting the digital

unedited, saturated, invert, saturated, invert 

CD24 10DPO

And another bfn. No real symptoms like I normally get when af is about to grace me with her unwanted presence.  But I am breaking out some and that is normal pms for me.  I did notice the tiniest bit if red spotting but not enough to make me freak out.  What I'm trying to figure out is if I could have possibly O'd on CD16 instead and that would make me only 8DPO.   At least that's the hope I'm holding on to right now.  I did get af like cramps last night pretty badly, so who knows what's going on.  So much for my will power to test from Friday on. 


Well, hopefully my dreams will happen and my only challenge would be implantation due to my endo.  I'm wondering if I even want to temp next cycle or even try at all.  I'm trying not to get disillusioned but it's hard not to at times.

Progesterone results are in...

and it's at 16.6! Well within the range the doctor wants to see.  WOOT WOOT.  So now I'm sure I ovulated this month and have been ovulating every month.  What I don't know if those numbers are indicative of pregnancy or not.  Here's to hoping they are. :)

why do I torture myself?

9DPO 3 days after my dip and I decided to test.  Why? Because I'm a glutton for punishment.  I have no will power and it's driving me insane.  Why couldn't I hold off till Friday?  Better yet why can't I hold off until I'm late?!  DOH!  Not in the mood for symptom watch 4.0 so I'm leaving it here.  If you're interested you know how to stalk my charts.

CD21 - 7DPO temp shot back up

YAY my temp went back up to 98.27 today.  I'm so hoping that I had an implantation dip that will truly result in a nice BFP.  Again, though only time will tell.  I need to stay strong and try not to test until later in the week.  I would like to wait till Friday.  Lets see if I have that will power.  My history has proven otherwise. LOL  


OK so between work, the doctors, homework and being a mom I'm exhausted so I'm not going to retype what I already typed about today's appointment.  Here is the cut and paste of it...


Anyways...my doctor was happy to help me conceive however way I was willing to try. He did a blood draw and I should know the results by Wednesday. He looked back in his notes, from when I had my last lap 2 years ago, and said that my tubes looked free and clear back then so he doesn't see why I should have any issues with my tubes. But if I want to get that procedure where they put dye in my tubes to be sure they're clear, I can.

When I mentioned my endo and my uterine lining he agreed that it could be a problem for me. But all in all he seemed hopeful and didn't think I would need medical intervention. Not that I want any medical intervention. I told the doctor that I'm not willing to go that route and if it happens it happens if it doesn't it doesn't.

He did looked at my chart and said my temps do indicate that I'm ovulating. So that's good. He found it funny that I was going about this in such an old fashioned way since there is so much advanced technology out there. He did mention IVF and said the he's sure that procedure would work almost instantly if I wanted to go that route.

Even though the exam hurt, stupid endo, everything looked fine. Now I just go back in two week for my follow up and results. I'm hoping to also go in and tell him I'm pg.

All and all I left the office feeling hopeful and know that I have a doc that's willing to do what I want him to do to help me achieve pregnancy.

CD20 - 6DPO Dip Baby Dip

OK so CD20 and 6DPO over here with a temp dip (97.83 from 98.29) almost or at my cover line.  The odd thing is that I had a dip just like this last month, also on CD20.  The only difference is the DPO day.  I normally don't dip like this and the last time I did, before last month and this month, was when I conceived Kev.  I can't help but wonder since we've been using OPKs and used them with Kev, that we are catching the egg, but it's might be having a hard time implanting.  If that's the case, then I know my endo is making this journey harder than it already is.  And if my endo is causing issues then my hopes for another addition will be just a dream.  I will not do any sort of medical intervention to conceive.  I already have two beautiful child and will take our lack of conception as a sign from nature that I'm done.  It's really sad to think that we could be done all because of my stupid body, but I'll learn to live with it, again.

I almost forgot to update about my DPO situation.  After looking at TCOYF and it's cover line I realized it was set too high (97.9 instead of 97.8).  After I made that adjustment, the software updated my chart and set my O date for CD14.  I could have avoided all that confusion if I just realized that a tiny bit earlier in the day.  Now I have a better feeling about asking the doctor for a CD21&7DPO blood draw.  I just hope he's willing do it for me.  I would love to know my progesterone levels and if I did indeed O or not.  I'll also ask him about the CD3 FSH test. 

cd19 3 or 5 dpo

So now I'm not sure which DPO I'm actually at.  I've had two different significant temp spikes and  3 different charting programs telling me different things.  TCOYF which is using FAM and OPK, marks me at 3DPO today making O date CD16.  Same with countdown to pregnancy.  Now, depending on which method I use for FF (advanced or FAM) I get two different O dates as well.  FAM give me an O date of CD14 making me 5DPO, and advanced method makes me 3DPO giving me an O date of CD16.  I would rather be 5DPO since that makes my LP longer and gets me closer to testing.  But if I'm only 3DPO then I would only have a 10 day LP, if AF shows when she should, next Sunday.  

However, since LPs only vary by a day or two, that would make AF due on the 26th instead.  I have had a short 10 day LP in the past.  But I know that's not optimal for implantation and sustaining a pregnancy.  Ughhh I hate this guessing game.  But maybe I am only 3DPO since I got positive OPKs on CD14 and 15.  And if I did O 12-48 hours after that last positive, or even the first, CD16 is very plausible.  The only thing with CD16 is that my CP and CM aren't really fertile. Yes, creamy is considered fertile, but ewcm or watery is best.  Combine that with the fact that my cervix was considered closed and medium feeling, it doesn't line up properly.  The only good thing with the possibility of O on CD16 is that the sperm has a better chance of meeting the egg as soon and it drops.  

Again, like always, I'm back to only time will tell.  *le sigh*

For good measure two progression pictures.   One with more light zoomed out and another more zoomed in less light.

cd18 4dpo...

And I feel so stressed and off it's not even funny.  I truly don't know how I'm going to conceive if I continue to be this stressed out.  At least my temp went up some more today.  I just wish that time would pass by quicker so that I can start testing.  I have at least another week before I even think about testing.  I'm due for my period on either the 23rd or 24th of the month, so I should have my answer within another 10 days for certain.  I just hope it's the answer I desire.

cd17 3dpo

Had another temp rise this morning, so I'm sure I ovulated 3 days ago.  Now if only my other two charts would line up with FF, I'd be good to go.  Hopefully I won't go nuts trying to over analyze everything and convince myself that we got preggo this month.  That's going to be hard to do, but I think I can do it.  I just need to keep myself and my mind occupied on other things.  You would figure between work and school my mind would already be preoccupied, but it's not.  Ugh time to find a hobby I guess.

cd16 finally got a negative opk again

Finally got a negative opk after two straight days of positives.  It looks like I surge for two days with the actual ovulation taking place on the first day of the surge.  This has been my pattern for the past two cycles now.  So I'm fairly positive that's how my body rolls.  I did get one more round in last night so hopefully we covered all our bases.  I don't want to see a penis come near me for a few days right now. lol  So now I'm awaiting one more temp rise for official confirmation and I am officially in the dreaded two week wait.  Here's to hoping we caught the egg and that I get a bfp in a couple of weeks.

cd15 and another positive OPK

Got yet another positive OPK today.  However, I also had a huge temp increase so I'm sure I ovulated over night.  If I didn't then consider me a monkey's uncle.  My only regret is that I let the chance to have sex one more time slip by me last night.  I hope it's not too late to try and get one more round in today.  I wanted to try this morning, but the kids were up and I wasn't in the mood to rush the process and be quiet at the same time.  My body is still showing fertile signs but they're slowly changing to less fertile as time goes by.  So I expect to be entering my torturous two week wait tomorrow.  I should hopefully see another temp rise with a negative OPK.  Now the fun part *rolling eyes* of over analyzing everything begins.  I do have an appointment with my gyn on Monday.  I'm hoping to be decently past ovulation so that maybe he can tell something that I can't just yet.  Anyways time for pictures.  I'm only posting one today.

cd 15

cd 14 confusion coming to an end

Alright, now I have a better understanding of my OPKs.  The ones I got over the weekend were like the ones from last month, but they weren't positive yet.  Today's is a positive for sure, as it's darker than all of them.  Now I just have to try and get in one more round or two of having some fun.  I really don't know if I can, but I gotta do it for the cause. lol  Temps went back down today and I'm hoping they go up tomorrow.  Again, only time will tell.  Oh how I hate this waiting to O then waiting to see if the bitch shows up or not.  It's freaking mental torture.  What I would give to have the days back where it didn't matter and wasn't even trying to get knocked up but did it anyway...le sigh 

Now on to today's pics.  I'm tossing in yesterdays for comparison value.

CD14

CD13

CD13 OPK confusion continues...

OK so after today's test, now I'm pretty sure I have a positive opk on my hands.  So with comparing today's and yesterdays, I'm thinking yesterdays wasn't positive at all and today's is.  My temps for today had to be adjusted from 97.68 to 97.56 because I over slept, by 35 mins, making it lower than yesterday.   I'm confident ovulation has either occurred today or is about to shortly.   Time to try and make good use of the chance. lol That shouldn't be too hard to accomplish.  After the gift Kev gave me today, he's so entitled to some good ass. HA! 

Picture time...

CD13 

progression

top CD12 11:30AM, middle 5:30PM & bottom CD13 4:30PM

and the best pic of them all...

GIFT!!!!

cd 12 and slightly confused

Well here I am at CD 12 in my cycle.  This is normally one of my fertile days.  So far, it has been.  I've been having high fertility signs since yesterday.  The only think that has me confused are my OPKs.  Around now I take two tests a day.  One in the mid to late morning and another in the late afternoon to early evening.  Today's mid morning one looked like it's either almost positive or is positive.  However the one from early evening looks negative.  I hope I didn't fully miss the surge.  I think we covered our bases though if I did O.  I had a plan of action for last night and it worked, then he had one for this morning. lol  I did wake up with wicked O pains, much stronger than he ones I've been feeling the past few days.  Only time will tell if I did in deed O or not.  In the mean time I'll post some crappy pics I took of today's OPKs.  

11:25AM

5:30PM

So you tell me...do the tops ones look positive to you or close?  Could I have surged overnight?  Hmmm or am I just flat out nuts. lol

CD 8 and I think I'm getting sick

Yuck I feel like a head cold is coming on.  Fucking great just what I need right now.  As for my journey, cd 8 with nothing much to report as of yet.  I might take an ovulation test later today but I'm not sure yet.  I think I'm going to wait it out one more day before I start peeing on multiple sticks again.   Ehh this is all I got for now.

CD 6 Nothing Big Going On

Still have a bit of a light flow going on that is going down to some spotting, so the end of the nasty cycle is drawing near.  Sometime within the next 6 days, give or take a few days, I should be ovulating.  Hopefully this cycle will be it for us and we will have a July baby.  July would be nice.  We would have the fourth, our anniversary and a baby to celebrate.  Pretty awesome if you ask me. 


I did find out today that an extended family member is 14 weeks pregnant.  I had a feeling this whole week that I was going to hear this news today.  I'm happy for them but upset at the same time.  I couldn't help but think she got knocked up right when we started trying and why couldn't that be us.  But the truth of the matter is that I don't know their ttc journey, so they could have been trying for months before they fell pregnant again.  I don't know if they have any fertility issues, but I honestly don't think they do.  All I do know is that they're older than us by a year or so, have a young child under 2 and are baking baby number 2.  I'm happy for them but sad for us.  It will be OK though.  I'll keep on moving on like I always do and hopefully will do so will a uterus full of fetus.

Worst Cycle By Far

OK so this is by far the worst period I've had in lord knows how long, maybe even ever.  I feel so damn sick and in so much pain it's driving me mad.  Yesterday was so bad that I had to stay home from work.  I ended up sleeping the entire morning away, that's how much pain I was in.  I cannot wait for this period to finish and be gone.  I'm used to heavy painful cycles because of my endo, but not like this.  They do tire me out but for the past 6 months or more they've been fairly good to me, until this one.  This makes me wonder even more if we did in fact fertilize and egg it tried to implant and it either failed or it just didn't stick.  I really hate the wondering game, it drives me insane. 

The waiting comes to an end

The bitch showed up mid day so on to the next cycle.  June wouldn't have been a good month to have a baby anyways.

15DPO D Day

Still bfn test with today being d day as in the bitch should show up today, maybe tomorrow.  Very frustrating considering my temp started to go up again. Not a lot but it's up instead of down.  Took some pics for viewing pleasure.

14DPO BFN and The Green Eyed Monster

As the title says another stark white test.  Who am I kidding when I keep on testing.  My temps are dropping yet I whip out a test out of pure hope there will be the slightest visible line.  At this stage in the game I've gone to 99.9% sure the red wave will visit soon.  This has truly been a very emotional TWW.  Between seeing bellies and babies in the street everywhere I go, being bombarded with TV ads for either HPTS or different things baby related, and what seems to be everyone else around me getting their BFPs, I've been hit with a severe case of envy.  Don't get me wrong, if you're a good friend I'm thrilled for you.  But if you're a virtual stranger to me, I hate that you're pregnant and I'm not.  I will try my best to smile and wave, but in reality I'm thinking why you and not me and to get the fuck out of my face before I scream.


Symptoms

• cramps that are intensifying
• increased cm that has caused me to wear a liner while I await the bitch
• breast are become more sore
• nausea that can be explained away with the fact that I have sinus issues and ran out of my nasal spray.
• still bloated
• EXTREMELY emotional

13DPO More BFNs

So now I'm 13dpo with more bfns, this time with a first response early response test.  I knew I should have waited to use the expensive test, but I thought I saw something last night so I had to put my mind at ease. All I can see on the FRER is an indent of the line where the color would pool if it was positive.  Therefore, I'm 95% positive that I'm out of the running.  Still crampy like crazy, but they're getting more intense the way my normal cycle cramps do.  My moods are swinging from batshit crazy to angry to sad and ready to cry over spilled milk.  I wonder if we did manage to fertilize an egg and then it failed to implant.  I never dip during my cycles and the last time I did dip it resulted in my son.  The main differences between then and now are confirmed endometriosis, being freshly off of birth control, plus I was 7 years younger.  

Since the confirmation of my endo, I have had two laps done to remove scar tissue, the last one being in Oct. of 2009.  So the chances of my body being riddled with scar tissue are very likely.  Now I understand why the doctors told me with such a solemn face that they didn't think I would be able to conceive again and if I did it would be a hard road to travel.  That is what really stuck in the back of my mind whenever I had baby fever in the past.  This time I ignored my fear and now I'm sitting here thinking damn the docs were right.  


Without further ado, I bring on the symptoms

• moody
• cramps
• gassy
• bloated
• sore breast
• increased cm 

Just for the heck of it pics of the FRER