151 BABY!!!!!!!!!!!

YES!!!!! My beta came back at 151 for 15DPO.  I'm so thrilled right now it's not even funny.  At this very time last pregnancy, I was only at 36.5.  So this is a huge difference.  My progesterone was lower than last time, only 12.8 verses 16.5, but I'm on progesterone pills so I'll be just fine.  TSH and prolactin were within normal range.  I'm on cloud nine and I know now for sure this sticky bun is here to stick.

convinced my fmu sucks!

Yup, that's right, my FMU sucks balls.  For some reason I get better lines when I test with SMU or later.  Take today's test for example.  My FMU was lighter than yesterdays third MU and it was lighter than the test I just re took at 9PM.  No wonder I was freaking myself out all weekend long.  DOH!  However, with that lovely dark line, I believe I can say I'm officially done testing.  I will get my beta, progesterone, tsh and prolactin tomorrow morning.  I'm sure the numbers are going to be good, but I want them to be awesome.  I'm a bit nervous with my progesterone, but that's what the supplements are for.   


So it looks and feels like, I have a nice sticky bun in my oven.  Now just bake and grow little bun, bake and grow.  Mami, Daddy and your siblings want to meet you next summer. 

16dpo FMU on top and 9PM under

Progression (YES! I'm obsessed, but wouldn't you be after a loss?)

now this is what I call a line and docs appointment

So I had my visit with my OB today.  He did a blood draw and ordered to have my beta, progesterone, TSH and prolactin levels checked.  I should be able to get those results by Wed.  I just have to call the nurse.  The one thing he didn't do was give me a slip for a repeat beta.  He said with all the extra precaution we're taking, if the numbers aren't rising properly, there was nothing more that we could do.  He also adjusted my progesterone script.  I have to take a 100mg pill twice a day.  I also stocked up on prenatals, extra folic acid and baby aspirin.  I'm going to keep this sticky bun sticky if it's the last thing I do! 

He also gave me a script for an ultrasound to do next week after I hit 5 weeks on Saturday. I'll probably schedule it as late in the week as possible, probably Friday.  It's going to be hard because of school, work, and little mans birthday, but I'll get it done.  From there I follow up with him on the 12th, and that's when he's going to do another blood draw.  I'll also probably see him two weeks after that so I can get more progesterone if needed. 

I finally got my hands on my ICs this morning.  So of course I had to test since this mornings dollar store test wasn't good enough for me with FMU...and I got a fucking awesome line at 10AM with like 3rd mornings urine.  Now, I don't know if my FMU sucks or if it was the dollar store tests that suck.  Maybe I could have avoided the worry if I had gotten my hands on the ICs on Wed. when they were delivered after I left work. 

Picture time!!!!!

15/16 DPO lovely lovely line

Progression (including this morning FMU)

I might still test a bit more but I'm not going to go crazy about it.  I feel pretty good about this sticky bun.

still nervous

Temp went down, again, today to 98.26 and my test with FMU was not darker.  After some serious comparing it's still darker than anything from last month.  But I'm still scared.  I was hoping to see a darker line.  I know I should stop temping and testing, but I took that route last time and it still ended in loss.  I figure what have I got to lose this time around?  But I might end up stressing myself out more than I need to be stressed out.  Ughhh  I just hope that tomorrows appointment results in nice high beta numbers.

So without further ado...today's test

 Progression

still testing...

and I'm going to continue testing until I see a line as dark as the control line and/or I get really good beta numbers.

Dollar store test taken midday after holding my urine for only 45 mins.  Still darker than last time.

Progession

in disbelief

OMG I don't f'n believe it...

Stick baby STICK!!!!!

pretty sure I'm out

Major temp drop this morning, 97.92 from 98.62.  I have some cramping going on.  I'm sure the witch is knocking on my Thanksgiving door.  Well, I guess this is done and I'm out of the running this cycle and probably indefinitely.  Happy Fucking Thanksgiving! I'm about ready to stay in bed all day and say screw all the stress makers in my life, including the damn out-laws I'm supposed to be spending time with.  I haven't spent a Thanksgiving with my own family in years and I'm starting to get resentful.

the gods are against me

So the ICs I was waiting on...didn't show up at my office till 4PM, a whole hour after my office was closed.  I even left the office at 3:15, so I tried to wait it out but I wanted to get my script for progesterone.  Well, wouldn't you fucking know it, I couldn't get the damn script filled.  My OB forgot to put instructions on how to use it, and didn't call back the pharmacist back, so they couldn't fill it.  FUCKING SHIT!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY IS IT ALL AGAINST ME RIGHT NOW!!!  FUCKING BITCH!


Ok I feel better now.


I only have the one IC left, so now I'm really not sure if I want to waste the test or not. Dayum!!!  I guess I'll just wait and see what the morning brings.  If temps are still high, it might be worth the test.  I can see if a dollar store is open tomorrow.  If not, then I guess I can try and go to my office on Friday to get them, I do have to go into the City anyway this weekend.  Why not hit the art museum while everyone else is shopping?

scared and nervous

OK so I put in the script for the progesterone just in case...I'm due for AF tomorrow or by Monday the latest.  If I go off of my normal 27 day cycle, tomorrow is due day.  However, if I follow my LP length, then I'm not due until Sunday, possibly Monday.  I'm sure I O'd around CD 15 or 16, possibly 14, but I wasn't temping so I'm not sure.  So now the question becomes, do I test or do I wait???? 

A part of me wants to wait cause I'm scare it's going to be another "chemical."  But another part of me wants to test because if it's positive, then I want to start the progesterone asap and get a beta done on Monday.  Oy vey! This is so confusing and frustrating.  


My temps are still pretty high, but again, if I go by DPO date, they're in the normal range.  If I go by CD then they're still high and I normally drop by now.  See my dilemma? :(

tired

That's how I feel. Just plain old tired.  I'm ready to take a nap right now.  If only I could.  But nope today is a long day, work followed  by two classes.  I won't be home till about 9PM.  YAY ME!!!!

flip flop flip flop back peddle

That's all I'm getting lately.  If it's not one thing it's another.  I must be married to a sandal, a bike peddle or something else all together.  Either that or my recent cold shoulder has put him back into the telling me what he thinks I want to hear stage.  UGH!  I think people forget what they say and that their words tend to stick in the minds of the receivers.   You cannot tell me one thing, don't like the way I treat you because of your words, then proceed to back peddle over what you said just days ago.  

1. I'm not stupid.  
2. My memory isn't that faulty.  
3. I actually pay attention to the words that come out of the the mouths of people.  
4. I don't only hear what I want to hear.

Remember actions speak louder than words, and your actions need to be on the same page as your words.  Not conflicting with them instead.  If you could manage to keep the two on the same line, confusion and frustration would not be setting in.  I wouldn't be pissed off and hurt.  I could learn to live with things and move on.  Until that is done, I will continue to be one pissed off bitch until I can make sense of it all in my own head on my own time.

still very angry and hurt

And to think this is all because of a very near and dear loved one.  I'm feeling like this has reached a make it or break it moment, with break it winning out so far.  I need time to gather my thoughts and get over the anger before I do something I might regret.

men

Suck! The END!  I hate you right now you fucking suck for fucking with my emotions.  Fuck you you fucking fuck!  Go to fucking hell!

trying not to think about it

That's my approach until after Thanksgiving.  Not thinking about how many days post ovulation I could be.  What possible pregnancy symptoms I might be experiencing.  How early could I possibly test without getting a false result... Now I just hope I can stick to that mind set.  Truth be told, I'm afraid to test, I'm afraid to become pregnant to only possibly lose my baby again.  I'm just flat out afraid.  

To top it off I have people telling me things when they know fuck all of what I've just gone through.  The best was when I was told what do I have to be stressed about?! Really?  Did you just ask me that question?  Then proceed to tell me that I have a man in the house that helps... WTF?!  

Let's see you stupid ass bitch what could I possibly be doing that can stress me out. How about we start off with the fact that I just fucking lost my very wanted baby, unlike the one you "miscarried"  not one but two babies.  Then lets proceed to the fact that I work full time in a small law firm, so I'm wearing multiple hats during the day.  Then lets go to the fact that I'm a student, not a part time student but a 3/4 time student working her way to a full time student.  Oh and of course how could I forget the most important one, I'm a MOTHER!!!! Which means I have children to look after.  

Ughh the nerve of some people just kills me.  That sad part is that this is coming from FAMILY! Then this same family member thinks my husband and myself are the family bank or loan sharks because they just asked us for a $200 loan till they get a check they're due next week.  Oy vey!
 
So yeah, I got nothing to be stressed over.  I should just put on a fucking smile and start singing in the rain with the other blissfully ignorant fools.

doctors update

Good news is that all hcg is out my system.  Bad news, he wants me to wait a cycle or two before trying again.  I told him that I didn't want to wait and this cycle is already out of question.  He said that I should have at least one normal cycle before trying.  So I guess if this weekend didn't do the trick, I'll skip the month of December and start fresh in the new year. 

We also came up with plan of action.  If I do miss my period this month, I'm to start the progesterone he gave me.  And see him sooner than my 3 week follow up.  If not, then I should go on to at least one normal cycle where we don't TTC.  Then I am to start clomid, if I want to, on CD5.  I'm on the fence with this one.  But he thinks it could be the quality of my eggs since I'm getting older.  He made no promises or guarantees, but said it can't hurt to try.  He also gave me lab work to get more blood drawn.  He wants me to test for prolactin, tsh, anti lupus, anti cardiolipn, protein c, ana, toxoplasma, rpr and cmv.  I'm curious about all the lab work.  I want to know where I stand in all those areas. 

I'm not so keen on clomid.  Progesterone, I have no problem with, especially since I lost Roo.  I'll do whatever it takes not to lose another one.  I also stopped all my meds, I was only down to nasonex and rescue inhaler when needed, but now I'm going to stop the nasonex too.  That could have played a factor in my recent loss, being that it's a category c drug.  I asked if my endo could have played a part, and he said it's rare that endo causes miscarriages.  So he truly thinks it's the quality of my eggs.  Ughhh and Kev isn't too keen on going with medical intervention, neither am I.  But I want a baby.

getting back on the horse

So after mulling it over for two weeks, I've decided to jump right back on the proverbial horse.  I have another follow up with my OB today so I'll talk to him about it all.  I also used some OPKs this weekend since it seemed like my body was preparing to ovulate, I wanted to see if I knew my body, and sure enough I do.  However, I got 3 positive OPKs in a row followed by a negative one on the evening of the third day.  I also did a temp test just to see, and I did spike from yesterday to today.  Not a lot, but enough for me to know that it was post o and past o temps in the past two days.  


Since Kev left it in my hands, our first run at intercourse this weekend, we did use the withdrawal method, so that one doesn't count.  However, I did get very emotional and realized that I wasn't ready to give up my dreams of another baby.  So the following morning I let him know that I'm ready to keep on going and we jumped right back into no birth control.  I know in my heart this is the right decision.  Now I just hope that the next baby will be a sticky rainbow baby.  I should know by Thanksgiving if this weekend did anything or not.  


So on to another cycle and another two week wait...

Since I love pictures here are from the weekend

 cd 14 on top at about 9:30 ish PM cd 15 @ 6PM

cd 16 @ 1PM 

 Progression of the three

blurry cell phone pic later on with all test dry

I didn't take a pic of the negative, didn't feel the need to.  But I did take a pic of my new cut and color...

the insensitivity of people kill me

You know you would think that someone who knows my recent mishap would be more careful with their choice in words.  But nope, that's too much to ask for.  Instead I get an open mouth and insert foot moment with me being on the receiving end.  Really nice!  Then I have stress beyond stress at work.  I swear I'm so ready to just say take this job and shove it, it's not even fucking funny.  I have day dreams of learning to use a sling shot like a pro and shoot a mother fucker right between the eyes.  This is not healthy for me.  Between my stress and emotional instability, I can easily spiral into a depression or a violent rage.  Neither of which are good for my mental state.  


Oh and of course I'm having nightmares too.  My dreams are starting out fine, but then I get hit with something horrible.  Like the one I woke up from today.  It started off like a normal run of the mill dream which quickly went wrong.  I ended up getting molested with no one believing me and this son of a bitch man who was someone family tried to say that I do this often.  Needless to say, he was the one I ended up killing.  Oh and then I also get told in the very same dream that a friend of mine lost her baby.  I was so thankful that my alarm went off when it did.  Ughh can I fast forward the day?

bitter

I'm finding myself to be a bit bitter right now, and I don't like it.  I'm seeing more and more ladies announcing their pregnancies, and all are due around the same time I would have been due.  Thankfully, these have all been online ladies, so it's not so bad.  But it still makes me bitter.  I should really be happy for these women, some of them have dealt with a loss like I have, and because of that I feel like an even bigger asshole for being bitter.  Ugh I hate myself right now.  To top it off, it looks like my body is acting like nothing happened and I'm fertile or starting to be fertile again.  Now I'm wondering if I should take the risk or just let this time frame go by.

chemical according to the doctor

That's what he's calling it.  A chemical pregnancy.  And depending on where you search you get different responses.  Some sites state that the egg never got the chance to implant, others state that it's just labeled chemical because it happens right around or before the 5 week mark, with nothing visible to prove pregnancy.  Maybe I would buy that if I had not seen the corpus cyst.  Yes, we saw nothing else.  But if that's the case, then why is my uterus still enlarged and did I have pg symptoms? Chemicals aren't suppose to give you pg symptoms, but I had them.  Ahhh who the hell knows anymore.  All I know is that I'm grieving a loss of what could have been, I'm still bleeding, thankfully down to a spotting but still, 11 days later.  And I feel like fucking crap physically and emotionally.  I feel like a shell of myself right now.

he's leaving it in my hands...

and I appreciate that.  I know I said my journey was over.  Maybe it is for now.  As of now I'm on the fence about the whole thing.  I'm scared to go through this again, but at the same time I would love another baby in the family.  I'm just thankful that he is fine with whatever choice I want to make.  He doesn't want to see me upset like this again, if we were to experience this again.  But if I want to continue to try, then we can.  Just knowing that he wants whatever I want, is a huge comfort.  It gives me that bit of courage to move on and think about trying this again.  I will never forget what we've lost.  But I don't know if I'm ready to shut the door at the prospect of more.  Maybe the way to handle it is just let things be.  Keep track of my cycles, just so that I know when I should be due.  But going all gun ho with temping and using opks...that I'm not ready for.  This will truly be a not trying but not preventing frame of mind for me.  

inspirational and soothing

It's the small things that get me through the day, and this was one of them.  Thank you to LittleMomma09 of JM for creating this.

cruel cruel body

Just when I thought the worst was over, my body decides it's going to be cruel to me and pick up all over again.  Now, I'm sitting here with sore breast, cramps and more bleeding.  YAY ME! This fucking sucks balls.

Bye Bye my sweet Roo

I'm a hot mess right now.  Roo didn't stick and has grew wings.  My beta went down to 8.  My heart is breaking right now.  I don't know how other women have done this multiple time and continue to try.  I can't do this again.  I believe my journey is over.

hard to hold on to hope

It's really hard to hold on to hope when my own doctor isn't optimistic at all.  He says with the numbers being so low and the amount of blood, he would normally tell his patients to forget about this pregnancy.  However, those words bit him on the ass once, so he no longer says it.  I do appreciate his honesty though, even if it hurts.  I have paperwork for a repeat beta this afternoon and a script for progesterone.  Depending on if the numbers go up or down, depends on if I fill the script or not.  I also have a follow up with him on Monday.  I would have much rather not conceived at all than to go through this painful mind fuck.