flip flop flip flop back peddle

That's all I'm getting lately.  If it's not one thing it's another.  I must be married to a sandal, a bike peddle or something else all together.  Either that or my recent cold shoulder has put him back into the telling me what he thinks I want to hear stage.  UGH!  I think people forget what they say and that their words tend to stick in the minds of the receivers.   You cannot tell me one thing, don't like the way I treat you because of your words, then proceed to back peddle over what you said just days ago.  

1. I'm not stupid.  
2. My memory isn't that faulty.  
3. I actually pay attention to the words that come out of the the mouths of people.  
4. I don't only hear what I want to hear.

Remember actions speak louder than words, and your actions need to be on the same page as your words.  Not conflicting with them instead.  If you could manage to keep the two on the same line, confusion and frustration would not be setting in.  I wouldn't be pissed off and hurt.  I could learn to live with things and move on.  Until that is done, I will continue to be one pissed off bitch until I can make sense of it all in my own head on my own time.

still very angry and hurt

And to think this is all because of a very near and dear loved one.  I'm feeling like this has reached a make it or break it moment, with break it winning out so far.  I need time to gather my thoughts and get over the anger before I do something I might regret.

men

Suck! The END!  I hate you right now you fucking suck for fucking with my emotions.  Fuck you you fucking fuck!  Go to fucking hell!

trying not to think about it

That's my approach until after Thanksgiving.  Not thinking about how many days post ovulation I could be.  What possible pregnancy symptoms I might be experiencing.  How early could I possibly test without getting a false result... Now I just hope I can stick to that mind set.  Truth be told, I'm afraid to test, I'm afraid to become pregnant to only possibly lose my baby again.  I'm just flat out afraid.  

To top it off I have people telling me things when they know fuck all of what I've just gone through.  The best was when I was told what do I have to be stressed about?! Really?  Did you just ask me that question?  Then proceed to tell me that I have a man in the house that helps... WTF?!  

Let's see you stupid ass bitch what could I possibly be doing that can stress me out. How about we start off with the fact that I just fucking lost my very wanted baby, unlike the one you "miscarried"  not one but two babies.  Then lets proceed to the fact that I work full time in a small law firm, so I'm wearing multiple hats during the day.  Then lets go to the fact that I'm a student, not a part time student but a 3/4 time student working her way to a full time student.  Oh and of course how could I forget the most important one, I'm a MOTHER!!!! Which means I have children to look after.  

Ughh the nerve of some people just kills me.  That sad part is that this is coming from FAMILY! Then this same family member thinks my husband and myself are the family bank or loan sharks because they just asked us for a $200 loan till they get a check they're due next week.  Oy vey!
 
So yeah, I got nothing to be stressed over.  I should just put on a fucking smile and start singing in the rain with the other blissfully ignorant fools.

doctors update

Good news is that all hcg is out my system.  Bad news, he wants me to wait a cycle or two before trying again.  I told him that I didn't want to wait and this cycle is already out of question.  He said that I should have at least one normal cycle before trying.  So I guess if this weekend didn't do the trick, I'll skip the month of December and start fresh in the new year. 

We also came up with plan of action.  If I do miss my period this month, I'm to start the progesterone he gave me.  And see him sooner than my 3 week follow up.  If not, then I should go on to at least one normal cycle where we don't TTC.  Then I am to start clomid, if I want to, on CD5.  I'm on the fence with this one.  But he thinks it could be the quality of my eggs since I'm getting older.  He made no promises or guarantees, but said it can't hurt to try.  He also gave me lab work to get more blood drawn.  He wants me to test for prolactin, tsh, anti lupus, anti cardiolipn, protein c, ana, toxoplasma, rpr and cmv.  I'm curious about all the lab work.  I want to know where I stand in all those areas. 

I'm not so keen on clomid.  Progesterone, I have no problem with, especially since I lost Roo.  I'll do whatever it takes not to lose another one.  I also stopped all my meds, I was only down to nasonex and rescue inhaler when needed, but now I'm going to stop the nasonex too.  That could have played a factor in my recent loss, being that it's a category c drug.  I asked if my endo could have played a part, and he said it's rare that endo causes miscarriages.  So he truly thinks it's the quality of my eggs.  Ughhh and Kev isn't too keen on going with medical intervention, neither am I.  But I want a baby.

getting back on the horse

So after mulling it over for two weeks, I've decided to jump right back on the proverbial horse.  I have another follow up with my OB today so I'll talk to him about it all.  I also used some OPKs this weekend since it seemed like my body was preparing to ovulate, I wanted to see if I knew my body, and sure enough I do.  However, I got 3 positive OPKs in a row followed by a negative one on the evening of the third day.  I also did a temp test just to see, and I did spike from yesterday to today.  Not a lot, but enough for me to know that it was post o and past o temps in the past two days.  


Since Kev left it in my hands, our first run at intercourse this weekend, we did use the withdrawal method, so that one doesn't count.  However, I did get very emotional and realized that I wasn't ready to give up my dreams of another baby.  So the following morning I let him know that I'm ready to keep on going and we jumped right back into no birth control.  I know in my heart this is the right decision.  Now I just hope that the next baby will be a sticky rainbow baby.  I should know by Thanksgiving if this weekend did anything or not.  


So on to another cycle and another two week wait...

Since I love pictures here are from the weekend

 cd 14 on top at about 9:30 ish PM cd 15 @ 6PM

cd 16 @ 1PM 

 Progression of the three

blurry cell phone pic later on with all test dry

I didn't take a pic of the negative, didn't feel the need to.  But I did take a pic of my new cut and color...

the insensitivity of people kill me

You know you would think that someone who knows my recent mishap would be more careful with their choice in words.  But nope, that's too much to ask for.  Instead I get an open mouth and insert foot moment with me being on the receiving end.  Really nice!  Then I have stress beyond stress at work.  I swear I'm so ready to just say take this job and shove it, it's not even fucking funny.  I have day dreams of learning to use a sling shot like a pro and shoot a mother fucker right between the eyes.  This is not healthy for me.  Between my stress and emotional instability, I can easily spiral into a depression or a violent rage.  Neither of which are good for my mental state.  


Oh and of course I'm having nightmares too.  My dreams are starting out fine, but then I get hit with something horrible.  Like the one I woke up from today.  It started off like a normal run of the mill dream which quickly went wrong.  I ended up getting molested with no one believing me and this son of a bitch man who was someone family tried to say that I do this often.  Needless to say, he was the one I ended up killing.  Oh and then I also get told in the very same dream that a friend of mine lost her baby.  I was so thankful that my alarm went off when it did.  Ughh can I fast forward the day?